20 October 2017

My visionary toilet won me a tablet computer

A few months ago when I was using a toilet at Sydney Airport, I noticed a sign on the wall advertising a "Rate Your Experience" competition.

Challenge accepted.

A questionnaire asking for a bathroom hygience rating.
(I answered generously. I didn't want anyone to lose their job. I'm not a monster.)

(My answer is below, with visual aids, so that you may appreciate the full scope of my vision.)

In the urinals, I suggest having some sort of computerised bullseye at the bottom of the porcelain, with a scoreboard above the urinal awarding points for accuracy. Male patrons will henceforth be keen to empty their bladders before flights, wanting every opportunity to achieve a high score. And with their vacuous bladders, they will weigh less, hence saving jet fuel, subsequently reducing global warming! It's a win–win!

There should also be music playing at all times in the restrooms – I suggest Bach's Goldberg Variations - but as soon as one enters a cubicle and locks the door, they should be blasted with an inspiring rendition of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries – a fitting melody to rouse the bowels into battle.


Also, each cubicle should have a little light above it, indicating whether it is vacant (green light) or occupied (red light), just like modern car parks. This would no doubt save much awkwardness in the restrooms - of people barging in on one another – and it will greatly allay everyone's insecurities and embarrassment, hence improving mental health. And a happy pooper is a happy flyer. That is fact! (I'm sure there must be a Pew research study on this.)

Cars parked in an underground car park with occupancy lights.
Toilets should have occupancy lights, like in car parks. Image: Wikimedia.

Finally, the mirrors before the wash basins should reflect an image of Ryan Gosling, or the ethnic equivalent, so that every patron leaves the restroom feeling like a sex symbol.

I hope you find these ideas useful!

A sexy picture of Ryan Gosling with his face reflected in a mirror.
Everyone deserves to see a sex symbol when they look in the mirror, goddam it.

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As you can see, my ideas would help reduce climate change and mental illness, and improve wellness and self-esteem. The fine people at Sydney Airport obviously agreed and saw fit to award me a Samsung Galaxy Tab A.


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