30 September 2018

The secret to the best kebabs in Lebanon


"Hello, my name is Mahmoud. I am number-one kebab technician in Beirut, Lebanon.

After rolling a kebab in flatbread, you must put it in a hot sandwich press. This stops it from falling apart during the eating. Also, you must put French fries with the kebab. Also beetroot. Also something green, such as lettuce or phlegm.

In my spare time I go to gym. I like to wear my gym clothes under my kebab smock. Also, I enjoy go to late-night cinemas – this is why my eyes always red. I love film noir and I have a most comprehensive collection of film noir movies on video tape. Sometimes I make my own film noir movies.

In the cinema last week, a pretty woman sat in front of me. I leaned forward to ask her to please switch off her cellular phone during the film noir movie. Her hair smelled like my grandmother's home-made apricot jam. She turned around with knife eyes and told me I smelled like garlic sauce. It was the most nicest thing anyone has said to me.

Life is good. Allahu akbar."

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