9 July 2015

New study shows gay marriage causes global warming

Two men are just married and about to walk into a drough desert.

A new study published in the American Journal of Climate Science concludes that same-sex marriage will contribute significantly to global warming. These findings come after a recent Supreme Court decision legalised same-sex marriage in the United States.

Lead scientist of the study, Professor Joanna Blake from the University of Southeastern Texas, said: “Marriage is essentially an exothermic reaction – an interaction that releases heat. Every marriage incrementally increases the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere. It’s simple science.”

The study used thermal scanning technology to analyse heat patterns and found that temperatures were highest when guests revelled at wedding receptions.

“The more marriages there are, the more heat that will be released. And legalising same-sex marriage would see a drastic increase in the number of weddings. Basically, this means legalising gay marriage is bad for the planet,” Professor Blake said.

In response to the findings, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbot has banned all rainbows in Australia. But following heavy rainfall last week, a rainbow was seen over the ABC building in Sydney, leading Mr Abbott to ask whose side the ABC was on, adding that “heads should roll over this”.

Other politicians have welcomed the future possibility of same-sex marriage in Australia. Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said the increased revenue from gay marriages could play a major part in reducing the budget deficit. “Gay marriage could be our next mining boom. Our next great export. And if we manage it right, with the right Gay Emissions Trading Scheme, all Australians can be winners,” Mr BS said.

Federal MP Clive Palmer said he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about: “Marriage is gay anyway. I mean to say, it’s a happy occasion. These days, every marriage is a gay marriage, and one of the benefits of global warming is there’s not as many icebergs in the North Atlantic to sink my Titanic.”

A boat of asylum seekers, carrying a rainbow flag.
"No asylum seeker that comes here by boat will be settled in a gay family.” – Peter Dutton

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton has warned that gay marriage may lead to a breakdown in border protection. Mr Dutton said: “Before you know it, you’ll have gay couples looking to adopt, and the orphans of asylum seekers who died on Nauru and Manus Island will probably be their first choice. And that will not do. That will not do. We told them they wouldn’t be settled in Australia. No asylum seeker that comes here by boat will be settled in a gay family.”

Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi also opposes gay marriage, saying Australia’s budget already has enough problems without having to build separate gay toilets in schools and on farms.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott maintains that he’s a bit threatened by gays and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with red budgie smugglers, which he says are definitely not gay.

[In case it's not blatantly obvious, this is satire.]

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