2 March 2015

What the Smurf is going on in the Australian Cabinet?

[First published on The Big Smoke on 5 February 2015, without these images]

When Papa Smurf sunburns, he turns purple.
The Smurfs have infiltrated the Australian government. They’ve morphed their blue skin and white pants into blue ties and white shirts. Have you ever wondered why blue is the chosen the colour of the Liberal party?

The Smurfs are no longer the loveable, creatures that want to spread love and joy. Now they just want to spread Real Solutions. Here are a few of the major players:

Papa Smurf

The Grand Schtroumpf. Leader of the Smurfs. Skilled in magic and alchemy. He used magic to make an economic crisis appear from thin air and asylum seekers disappear. For his next trick, he intends to make climate change disappear. Not actual climate change, just the idea of it. He also repealed the carbon tax and so somehow considers himself the Smurf for Women.

Unlike the others, Papa Smurf’s pants are red and made of Lycra. Sometimes he keeps a budgie in them… for magic.

“Coal is vital for the future energy needs of Smurf Village. So let’s have no demonisation of coal. Coal is good for Smurfiness." ~ Papa Smurf, 13 October 2014

For a long time Smurfette was the only female Smurf – and therefore the only female Smurf in the Cabinet. A previous relationship to Gargamel qualifies her as Minister for Foreign Affairs. She worked hard to build relations with Indonesia, to send asylum seekers there for processing, because Smurf Village is full.

Hefty Smurf

Treasurer. Has incredible strength and often is seen doing a lot of the Smurfs’ heavy lifting. He takes pride in being tough. He loves lifting weights and other forms of exercise. This, together with gastric bypass surgery, helped him lose 20kg. Hefty will accept any kind of dangerous journey, such as delivering an unpopular budget.

It's all smiles on the day Hefty hands Papa Smurf the budget.
Brainy Smurf

Considers himself to be the most intelligent Smurf in the village, but his actual knowledge is questionable at best. He figured the only way to actually be smarter than anyone was by becoming Minister for Education and cutting all funding. If you can’t be smarter, make everyone else stupider.

Brainy’s also the most self-centred and self-righteous of the Smurfs. He annoys almost everyone in Smurf Village. He becomes stroppy when people talk about things he’s clueless about, such as Lou Reed or politics.

What a university degree will look like after Brainy's term in office.
Handy Smurf

Handy fixes things, for example, the Cabinet’s public image. He’s known for his amazing technological inventions. He invented a Smurfomatic Picking Machine, Clockwork Smurf and the Telesmurf, also known as the Internet – hence he’s Minister for Communications. Handy is friendly, open-minded and rational, leading people to wonder what the Smurf he’s doing in the Cabinet.

Grouchy Smurf

The misanthropic grouch of the Cabinet. When he was Minister for Immigration and Border Protection, he made sure there were as few people as possible in Smurf Village. Sometimes people seek asylum in Smurf Village, when their lives are at risk. Grouchy called these people “illegal arrivals” and sent them to the Manus Island where they may also be killed.

Grouchy has such a great reputation with the welfare of asylum seekers that he was recently made the Minister for Social Services. He’ll now need to figure out how to “process” pensions and unemployment benefits, so there’s a chance pensioners and the jobless may end up on Manus Island.

Grouchy generally seems to hate answering questions about his actions and he usually has a scowl on his face. But he loves smurfberries.

Grouchy turns back the boats.
Farmer Smurf

Who better to be Minister for Agriculture than Farmer Smurf. He’s responsible for the growth and harvesting of food. He passionately supports rural and regional Australians, and is good friends with Miner Smurf, who likes to rape rural and regional Australia for coal.

Clumsy Smurf

The day after he was appointed Minister for the Environment, Clumsy announced the closure of the Climate Commission. He also removed the carbon pricing scheme, announced dredging in the Great Barrier Reef and used Wikipedia to inform some of his decisions. He doesn’t seem to realise the environment is kinda important to Smurf Village and the Smurfy way of life. Perhaps he doesn’t realise the Minister for the Environment is supposed to protect and conserve the environment.

Clumsy says: "Forget the so-called 'scientific' signs. The world is going to be okay. It says so on Wikipedia."

Grandpa Smurf

He’s not the oldest Smurf but sure acts it, mostly by wanting Smurf Village to go back to medieval times when people could say whatever the hell they wanted. Free speech, bitches. He relishes the days when you could call Vanity Smurf a poof and Dopey Smurf a retard without getting into trouble. How else can you discuss the issue of them black and multicoloured Smurfs?

Grandpa Smurf's worst fears

Nobody Smurf

So named because no one really knows who he is – even though he’s the Deputy Grand Schtroumpf. He did, however, hold the spotlight for a brief moment when Papa Smurf was overseas meeting with Obama Smurf. He became Somebody Smurf for that short time, but still nobody knew who he was.

You can show your solidarity with Team Smurf by wearing one of them white hats. Just make sure you don’t pull it down past your forehead, because burqas are forbidden in Smurf Village

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