20 October 2017

My visionary toilet won me a tablet computer

A few months ago when I was using a toilet at Sydney Airport, I noticed a sign on the wall advertising their "Rate Your Experience" competition.

Challenge accepted.

A questionnaire asking for a bathroom hygience rating.
(I answered generously. I didn't want anyone to lose their job. I'm not a monster.)

(My answer is below, illustrated, so that you may appreciate the full scope of my vision.)

In the urinals, I suggest having some sort of computerised bullseye at the bottom of the porcelain, with a scoreboard above the urinal awarding points for accuracy. Male patrons will henceforth be keen to empty their bladders before flights, wanting every opportunity to achieve a high score. And with their vacuous bladders, they will weigh less, hence saving jet fuel, subsequently reducing global warming! It's a win–win!

There should also be music playing at all times in the restrooms – I suggest Bach's Goldberg Variations - but as soon as one enters a cubicle and locks the door, they should be blasted with an inspiring rendition of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries – a fitting melody to rouse the bowels into battle.


Also, each cubicle should have a little light above it, indicating whether it is vacant (green light) or occupied (red light), just like modern car parks. This would no doubt save much awkwardness in the restrooms - of people barging in on one another – and it will greatly allay everyone's insecurities and embarrassment, hence improving mental health. And a happy pooper is a happy flyer. That is fact! (I'm sure there must be a Pew research study on this.)

Cars parked in an underground car park with occupancy lights.
Toilets should have occupancy lights, like in car parks. Image: Wikimedia.

Finally, the mirrors before the wash basins should reflect an image of Ryan Gosling, or the ethnic equivalent, so that every patron leaves the restroom feeling like a sex symbol.

I hope you find these ideas useful!

A sexy picture of Ryan Gosling with his face reflected in a mirror.
Everyone deserves to see a sex symbol when they look in the mirror, goddam it.

*  *  *  *  *

As you can see, my ideas help reduce climate change and metal illness, and improve wellness and self-esteem. The fine people at Sydney Airport obviously agreed and saw fit to award me a Samsung Galaxy Tab A.


2 October 2017

Vestmannaeyjar: the Westman Islands of Iceland


Vestmannaeyjar ("Westman Islands") is a small group of islands off the south coast of Iceland. The main island, Heimaey,  has a tiny area of only 13 square kilometres and is still volcanically active.

19 May 2017

Opera Australia's grand production of Carmen

[First published on The Plus Ones



Opera Australia’s colourful production of Carmen brings vibrancy, movement, and fun to Georges Bizet’s otherwise dark tale.

Director John Bell has created a vivid atmosphere to accompany the gorgeous score. Eye-catching costumes offer an explosion of colour and the detailed set has the romantic feel of a Cuban town stuck in a 1950s time warp. Crisp choreography brings even more life to the stage, including dazzling acrobatics from the children’s chorus, which leaves the audience gasping.

4 April 2017

Double-decker buses in London



In 2004, when I was living in London, I heard that the old double-decker Routemaster buses were about to be retired, so I found a route that crossed the city past many historical landmarks to a residential area of North London. This was Route 73.

10 February 2017

Donald Trump is like the Taliban

Donald Trump at the Presidential debate with finger puppets on his fingers.
During the Presidential debates, Donald Trump was secretly fed information by his finger puppets, Momo and Oinky.

I recently had a dream in which Donald Trump came to my house for my birthday lunch.

He walked through the door and handed me a big red envelope that looked like it had been previously ripped open in a million different ways and then stuck back together in a slipshod manner with weak-ass sticky tape.

The whole damn thing was falling apart. (His aide said Trump wrapped it himself.) He had signed the front of envelope.

16 January 2017

Walter White spotted drinking tereré in Paraguay



I met Walter White in Paraguay before he became Heisenberg, the world-famous producer of blue meth. He had a stall selling corn and spices in a small market in Ciudad del Este, the second largest city in Paraguay. This is possibly where he learnt the ins and outs of commerce.

29 November 2016

Opera Australia performs Wagner’s epic Ring Cycle

[First published on The Plus Ones


Strap in for an epic opera experience. Opera Australia’s momentous production of Wagner’s Ring Cycle is a sequence of four works, each one a marvel of music, performance, direction, and artistic design. It offers sixteen hours of powerful storytelling through music, and leaves you wanting more.

7 October 2016

Mr Moon Face in Melbourne


Luna Park in Melbourne is one of Australia oldest amusement parks. It opened on 13th December 1912 and has almost continuously been operating ever since (it closed during World War I).

10 September 2016

Terschelling: Home of the Best Summer Festival in the Netherlands


Terschelling is an island in the northern Netherlands with a population of around 4,700. Every June the island is transformed into a huge theatre for the Oerol Festival. Over 55,000 people visit the island in those ten days to watch theatre and musical performances, modern art and visual and artists.

27 July 2016

The legend of Sleeping Beauty in the Gardens of Fitzroy


Once upon a time in the Gardens of Fitzroy, the dainty princess Sleeping Beauty slumbered with the possums in the long grass. She had fallen into a deep sleep after biting an apple, which was poisoned with ethanol and amphetamines.

Thankfully, her loyal friend Edmundo was there to keep watch over her. Edmundo covered Beauty with branches and leaves and flowers, hiding her from the vicious creatures that lurked in the shadows of the Building of Exhibitions.

Shhh... if you listen carefully, you can hear her in the video below, talking in her deep slumber...